RA: Episode 1

You mortals think gods have it all. We don’t. You really gotta stop it with your rumor-mongering.

When your kind says god, you’re thinking of the big boss, which is why there is a plethora of myths out there. I’ll take the liberty of doing the literal god’s work and debunk some of the bullshit so that we can set the record straight.

Fact—we are not ubiquitous. Only the big boss gets to do that. The rest of us can’t be at all places at once. 

Fact—we are not almighty. We do possess certain abilities you don’t, but gods are much more flawed than you think. You know how you say “I’m only human”? That kinda goes for us as well.

Fact—I have no idea who the fuck came up with this one, but we can’t read minds. Do you even know how fast thought travels? Who the fuck would want to live with constant motion sickness!

Godhood is a career, dear mortal, and everything needs to be earned on this side of the fence. The big boss has to deem you worthy. You need to culminate a track record of flawless command of your abilities and non-illicit use. If you can prove your commitment to the Ether League, then and only then can you declare the godhood you wish to claim. You are to serve your subjects, living, dead, or inanimate, as much as they serve you, but you are allowed to punish them as you see fit in the case of disorderly conduct.

I kinda like that last part a very normal amount.

A god has all the power it needs to rule over their claimed domain, but if you’re tempted to go astray at any point, good luck with your eternal torment, which is not burning in fires like another myth mortals love perpetuating. It’s quite literally one hell of an experience that makes your insanity go insane, intricately designed by the big boss, so no one even dares after the public executions we were forced to witness.

Now we get to the crème de la crème a.k.a yours truly. 

Let’s establish something once and for all first. I’m the shit. I’m the best at what I do.

When it was time for me to declare my godhood, I knew I wanted to do something related to the mortal realm, but my nature is not exactly fit to do wholesome shit. While I can call myself passionate, I curse a lot, I’m jealous, I hold grudges, and I don’t take rejection well at all, so it left me with only a handful of choices. It didn’t take me too long to realize that mortals were total infatuation junkies, so I called dibs on it despite the incessant protests from certain somebodies. I was fully aware sex and lust were taken, but it’s not my fault that there is a loophole in the claim process now, is it?

I know I’m the shit, but we have a little bit of a recognition problem here. I will never admit this to his face, but I’m mad jealous of Eros, I’m not even gonna lie. Motherfucker has a whole ass day he claims is dedicated to him, can you believe that? 

What about me?!

Make this make sense to me—everybody gets infatuated while only a small number of people fall in love. Even if you have zero feelings for someone, you have to feel attracted to them first to be aroused.

You think she’s angelically beautiful? That’s me. 

You want to fuck his brains out? That’s me.

You think it’s love at first sight? It’s meant to be?

There is no such thing you blithering idiot, all of that is ME!

Then WHY does all the credit still go to Aphrodite and her bastard son, huh? They get to make a name for themselves. They get all the prayers freeloading my hard work. Did you know they are true love purists that talk a lot of shit behind your back and shame you? Maybe think about that the next time you make a sacrifice to bind someone’s soul to yours. You mortals will even go to some whatsername witch for your sick love matters rather than coming to me. 

You don’t even know I exist, do you? 

Well, I told you I hold grudges. I’m petty as shit. You should have known better than seeking help from the mother-son duo that has the most fucked up Oedipal relationship I’ve ever seen.

Have you ever thought about why you get the urge to cheat? Yup, that’s also me. It’s a very natural concomitant to infatuation. Hope you have the best time writhing in agony when your one and only dumps your ass because of a moment of weakness. You insist on not recognizing me? You bet your ass I’m throwing all the weaknesses your way for the rest of your life, and you’re gonna crack every… single… time.

Speaking of vendettas, I got myself a brand new foe. Our Ether League leader Arin. In her words, if I like humans so much, I should just stay as one because “How dare I call myself a god when not a single soul worships me?”

And this is where my story begins.

First of all, I do have worshippers, okay? It’s just… It happens in… unorthodox ways. One might say more ritualistic. 

I have a tendency to get bored easily, but I’ve developed a particular fascination with your kind. Watching you slowly give in to me is what truly makes me feel like a god. I can’t help it if we end up fucking as a consequence. As your saying goes, dear mortal, don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Nevertheless, this Arin bitch accused me of fraternizing and pushed for my devotee status to be nulled. My immediate exile was ordered, and I was tasked with finding one legitimate human to devote to me if I wanted my full godhood back. The catch is I’m not allowed to directly manipulate them into worshipping me, so I need to be subtle about it. 

Trapping me in a human body and sending me to exile is not actually the kinda punishment they think they’re giving me. I love being in human form. It’s so easy to fascinate you. You have a sense of wonder the peeps downstairs don’t really have. Maybe that’s why you’re into magic tricks so much. The mysticism of it all. The unknown. The other dimension.

You’re asking to experience things that you’re not really ready for, though, so it’s so much fun to watch you freak the fuck out. 

I think you know how I am with loopholes by now. I wasn’t given a specific deadline to carry out this mission, so yes, I abused the shit out of it and took my sweet time. Turns out, that was one of the agenda items in the latest Ether League council meeting. “Why does Vin still walk around with his abilities, among humans for that matter, if he’s currently on probation?” et cetera, et cetera. 

If I corner that Eros snitch, it’s on sight, I swear to fucking big boss.

I made my case arguing that if I’d be able to get a worshipper without my powers, then all human race needed to be promoted to higher being status, and thankfully I won. However, things aren’t looking very peachy for me.

I’ve made several attempts so far but successfully failed all of them. I told you I don’t take rejection well. Disappointment after disappointment would frustrate anybody, and I get mad when I’m disappointed.

You have something called mulled wine. It works with blood, too, if you were ever curious.

I have been given until the end of the month. If I fail, my banishment will be permanent and I’ll be demoted to a mortal.

Here I am now, in a city I’ve never been to before, about to take my new body out for a spin. I gotta break it in. The façade I’ve crafted looks great in the mirror. Even I would want to fuck myself if I was human. One last night of palate-cleansing fun, then I’ll be a good boy and get down to business.

I fucking love hunting for sport.

Back to Masterlist

© 2024 Feelfolio. ⁞ Ko-fi

Translations & reposts of any kind are prohibited.